he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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