I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
