you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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