do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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