I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
