he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
