I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
