im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
