My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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