I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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