Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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