i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
