the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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