the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
