Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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