i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
