I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
