Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
