You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
