Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
