beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
