Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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