Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
