hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
