i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize