We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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