ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
