How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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