Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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