Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
