I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
