remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
