then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
