My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
