After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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