i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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