Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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