why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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