I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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