Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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