had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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