i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
