Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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