don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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