he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
