you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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