i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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