ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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