I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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