I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Farmville is her only friend.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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