why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
