I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
