I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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