sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
