Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
