I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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