My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
