a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
