never play flip cup with pint glasses
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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