I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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