There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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