nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
